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i've been offending the progressive democrats, writing alternative lyrics to pop songs since michael jackson set his hair on fire.

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dear sir or vagina:

"i love the red-and-gold bike that i see in the corner of this room"

"i have a favorable opinion of the stereo-system in this room"

these words weren't spoken by a newborn looking around his hospital room, the gist of these words could not have even been thought of by a baby's brain. babies are barely aware of their own existences, so how could they mentally declare anything about their existences? newborns have no idea of anything about the world around them, and there is not enough information in a newborn's brain to base any opinions on.

there is not enough information in a newborn's brain to base any opinions on. quoth madonna, "life is a mystery".

"i love what slot-machines represent to me" - i can't imagine a little baby forming this opinion, and i can guarantee that my attraction (some would say "addiction") was not present at birth. there wasn't enough information in my newly-born brain to base any opinions of slot-machines on. i didn't even know what slot-machines were until i lived for a while, i had to learn. i had to learn what they were, and not until i was 36 and willingly at a casino and "under their spell," would i have had enough interest to put my hands all over them.

"i love what computers represent to me" - i didn't know what a computer was until i was 7 or 8. it was not until a few years later, when i was "under the spell" of the IBM PCjr, that i had enough interest to put my hands all over a computer. i dabbled with computers, and i developed an interest. baby, i became this way.

i am attracted to slot-machines as i am to computers, i have a mental hard-on for both. the hopefulness that overtakes me when i'm in their presence, well, it mirrors the hopefulness that overtakes me when a big and strong specimen of manhood speaks to me. i love what big and strong men represent to me, but i was not born with any opinions or conclusions regarding men. i didn't know that a big and strong man, complete with a testosterone-spouting chest of hair and muscular strength, was anything worthy of putting my hands all over. it was not until i was "under their spell," when i would have had enough interest to put my hands all over men.

it wasn't until i realized that i was a lackluster specimen of manhood, when i became "under the spell" of big and strong men whose chest-hair and armpit-hair and physical strength would slap me around, wake me up and put me in my place as a little slight of masculinity. if i had not developed armpit-hair ten years after the (much-respected) athletic boys did, i would have never had any reason to be so delusional around something as grimy as an armpit. if i was as physically-capable as the much-respected (athletic) boys were, i would have never had any reason to look at them any differently than i looked at myself. if i had no reason to look at men in gaping-mouthed praise and amazement, i would have had no reason to ever consider myself to be gay. ergo (i love using that word - quoth nanny fine: "ergo? who's ergo?"), both heterosexual and homosexual attraction are gender-identity issues.

ergo, my sense of masculine gender-identity was greatly affected by my not being confident in my own masculine state-of-gender. people are born with blue eyes, blue eyes are physical things that exist outside of one's mind. feelings and interests, whether pro-masculinity or pro-casinos, are - to take a song by mariah carey - "all in your mind". baby, i developed this way.

how could anyone, at any age, say the words, "i'd rather be in a casino than in a baseball-stadium," without even having seen or gained a knowledge of both casinos and baseball stadiums? how could i have been born lusting for men, then, without first experiencing men? how could men have had any effect on me before my brain was developed enough to have come to any sort of conclusion regarding men?

i have loved money for as long as i can remember. this doesn't mean i was born loving money. i have loved casinos and slot-machines for a few years now, but i wasn't born this way. ergo, i had been in one or two casinos before becoming addicted and mentally-aroused by casinos, and i know that my addiction would never have come to be without first having come to realize after day. yes, a little less than a year after my first casino-experience, i started going to casinos every day - just because it was just something different to do. total immersion, i think, is what the nyu summertime film-school called their program.

at home as a boy, i was "totally immersed" in taunts from a girl named laurel. she had a nickname for me, "grit," because she couldn't regard me as masculine or as anything but a "cross between a girl and an IT". if that's not a sort of "talk therapy" to make a skinny little boy regard REAL men as proper, well, what is? ergo, as a boy, i was "totally immersed" in what i regarded as taunts from my classmates, and being picked last for sports-teams bothered me as much as my hairless, unmasculine armpits did. as you can see, i was "totally immersed" in "gender-identity therapy" as a boy - this "total immersion" affected my sexual identity. i wasn't born with a prepackaged identity, because living life gave me an identity and got me to realize my place in this world. baby, i developed this way.

i didn't choose to be gay, i wasn't born gay, i became gay through impressions and opinions given to me - impressions and opinions that i was a little masculine insufficiency. "opposites attract" relates to one's gender-identity more than it relates to one's actual state of gender.

it is for this reason that i cannot refer to gay males as men, it is for this reason that i use quotes when referring to gay "men," and it is for this reason that god is anti-gay. let me close with a quote that i came up with:

"if i were god, i'd be insulted to know that one of MY masculine creations is seeking a perfect masculine creation"

(ergo, i'm not anti-gay because i'm a christian)

mr. dylan terreri i
dr. sheldon cooper, ii
"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna
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